Awkward and Upward!

June 18, 2009

Staff meeting. Twenty or so people. Average tenure 22.5 years. Two new employees. One out of school two years, the other one year. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Introductions.

“I graduated from IUPUI in Construction Management.”

“I’m excited and ready to get going on some projects.”

The meeting is not positive. This change and that. Not being received well by employees. No preparation, no guidance, no big-picture thought among top executives making decisions that force new software, new processes, blah blah blah.

Everyone stands up to leave. Manager over two new employees says to his boss:

“Man, this place is going downhill fast. If the economy weren’t so bad, folks would be running for the doors to get out of here.” Boss wholeheartedly agrees.

Two new boys hear. Still look hopeful. They’re young.

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Posted by Sunny Disposition

Baby Huey

June 3, 2009

Sunny D has moved next to a boy they call Baby Huey. Doesn’t make sense until ya get a good look at him. huey

Huey has a whole lot of bodily functions. In any given hour, he can be heard (through Sunny D’s headphones, her fan and her typing):

  • Sniffing incessantly (Huey don’t know about Kleenex)
  • Coughing incessantly (Side effect of sniffing, I think)
  • Yawning incessantly (like he’s on the couch stretching between innings)
  • Spitting into his trash can (no, I’m serious)
  • Rocking in his loud, squeaky chair (Huey don’t know about WD40 or the endless supply of unused chairs nearby)
  • Eating incessantly (no, I’m serious, ALL. DAY. LONG. Cereal, chips, cookies, peanut butter on bread, goldfish, something unidentifiable that sounds like dog kibble when shaken from its container). He must be on that eat all day or at least every two hours plan. But all this eating means:
                           *Chewing
                           *Swallowing
                           *Slurping (from his coke can)

When he’s not sniffing, coughing, spitting, squeaking, chewing, swallowing, or slurping, he’s on the phone with his wife (who one would think could train him if SHE knew better) making combo baby/pillow talk. “Mmmmm” is said a lot and not in a totally mid-sexual-stream way, but more in a preparing for a blow job way (as if he’s so lucky to have her and he wants to be so kind to her and he’s also big ol’ Baby Huey turned on a little). “Mmmmmm, that sounds good.” “Mmmmmm, okay, whatever you want to do is fine.” “Mmmmm, I’ll be there in an hour.” “Mmmmmmm, if only I could figure out how to talk to you and slurp simultaneously.”

But, just this week, I’m thinking since Farmer’s Market season has begun, he’s added one more bodily function to his repertoire. Twice each day, he sucks on some sort of peach/plum/kiwi type of fruit. Huey aint’ gonna miss a drop of it.

I watch his email calendar to time my day around his office time and feeding schedule. I noticed this morning that he had a dentist appointment for a crown. He’s 25 if he’s a day. Why would Huey need a crown at 25? It makes me think about his mouth, so I can’t go on.

Other people have complained to management about him (THAT bad), but nothing’s been done. I imagine, because that conversation among middle managers would be just too awkward.

“Hey, Joe. Hey, yea, well, ummmm, see, wellll, ummmm, I need to talk to you, ummmm, about your employee who sucks….”

Yea, not gonna happen.

I gotta run. I just heard the pop-top.

2 Comments | Boys in the Office, Not Brief Enough Encounters, The Freaks | Permalink
Posted by Sunny Disposition