The Office Chronicles

Staff meeting. Twenty or so people. Average tenure 22.5 years. Two new employees. One out of school two years, the other one year. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Introductions.

“I graduated from IUPUI in Construction Management.”

“I’m excited and ready to get going on some projects.”

The meeting is not positive. This change and that. Not being received well by employees. No preparation, no guidance, no big-picture thought among top executives making decisions that force new software, new processes, blah blah blah.

Everyone stands up to leave. Manager over two new employees says to his boss:

“Man, this place is going downhill fast. If the economy weren’t so bad, folks would be running for the doors to get out of here.” Boss wholeheartedly agrees.

Two new boys hear. Still look hopeful. They’re young.

1. Put up posters about a company-wide migration to common system platforms
2. Wait a month or two
3. Create an online survey to ask employees about awareness of said initiative that is now scheduled to happen in one week
4. Instruct VPs to send out an email requesting participation in awareness survey
5. Send out said email
6. Field questions and realize that the entire company has no idea about any of this
7. Quickly have more posters printed and hung in every department
8. Instruct VPs to send out second email requesting participation in awareness survey
9. Send out said email
10. Field more questions and realize that nobody is aware of any (not the old, not the new) posters
11. Deploy on time anyway

Dear Management,

PLEASE stop sending emails reminding employees about cubicle etiquette. It must remind the offenders that they have offensive tendencies they don’t think they’re using effectively enough. It never fails that the days following the email, phone conversations get louder and more frequent – and sometimes on speakerphone, radio volumes get turned up, over the cubicle talking increases, cell phones ring longer, perfume is doused even more heavily, popcorn gets burned, and so on.

We can’t hear. We can’t breathe. We need air. We’re grateful for your effort, but need to ask you to stop helping us.

Thank you,

The Righteous