Baby Huey

June 3, 2009

Sunny D has moved next to a boy they call Baby Huey. Doesn’t make sense until ya get a good look at him. huey

Huey has a whole lot of bodily functions. In any given hour, he can be heard (through Sunny D’s headphones, her fan and her typing):

  • Sniffing incessantly (Huey don’t know about Kleenex)
  • Coughing incessantly (Side effect of sniffing, I think)
  • Yawning incessantly (like he’s on the couch stretching between innings)
  • Spitting into his trash can (no, I’m serious)
  • Rocking in his loud, squeaky chair (Huey don’t know about WD40 or the endless supply of unused chairs nearby)
  • Eating incessantly (no, I’m serious, ALL. DAY. LONG. Cereal, chips, cookies, peanut butter on bread, goldfish, something unidentifiable that sounds like dog kibble when shaken from its container). He must be on that eat all day or at least every two hours plan. But all this eating means:
                           *Chewing
                           *Swallowing
                           *Slurping (from his coke can)

When he’s not sniffing, coughing, spitting, squeaking, chewing, swallowing, or slurping, he’s on the phone with his wife (who one would think could train him if SHE knew better) making combo baby/pillow talk. “Mmmmm” is said a lot and not in a totally mid-sexual-stream way, but more in a preparing for a blow job way (as if he’s so lucky to have her and he wants to be so kind to her and he’s also big ol’ Baby Huey turned on a little). “Mmmmmm, that sounds good.” “Mmmmmm, okay, whatever you want to do is fine.” “Mmmmm, I’ll be there in an hour.” “Mmmmmmm, if only I could figure out how to talk to you and slurp simultaneously.”

But, just this week, I’m thinking since Farmer’s Market season has begun, he’s added one more bodily function to his repertoire. Twice each day, he sucks on some sort of peach/plum/kiwi type of fruit. Huey aint’ gonna miss a drop of it.

I watch his email calendar to time my day around his office time and feeding schedule. I noticed this morning that he had a dentist appointment for a crown. He’s 25 if he’s a day. Why would Huey need a crown at 25? It makes me think about his mouth, so I can’t go on.

Other people have complained to management about him (THAT bad), but nothing’s been done. I imagine, because that conversation among middle managers would be just too awkward.

“Hey, Joe. Hey, yea, well, ummmm, see, wellll, ummmm, I need to talk to you, ummmm, about your employee who sucks….”

Yea, not gonna happen.

I gotta run. I just heard the pop-top.

2 Comments | Boys in the Office, Not Brief Enough Encounters, The Freaks | Permalink
Posted by Sunny Disposition

Green Acres Neighbor Talk

May 29, 2009

So, she comes over to show him a picture of the boar her husband killed on a recent trip to Missouri (no, I’m serious) and he laughs about it and comments that her hubby’s expression looks like he’s bored out of his mind.

She starts to go on, “Well, no he had a great ti…”

He interrupts, “Well, good. Let’s get down to work.”

You can feel the hurt in her voice as they begin to discuss whatever work-related thing they need to.

The sad part here is that the week before, he spent 38 of the working 40 hours talking about his two-week Hawaii vacation (complete with an unrequested PowerPoint presentation of 1,400 photos (no, I’m serious)) to her and anyone who was kind enough to listen.

Leave a Comment » | Not Brief Enough Encounters, There Goes the Neighborhood | Permalink
Posted by Sunny Disposition

A Whole Lotta Love

May 12, 2009

I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard, “I love you, too” in this office.  I could pay my cell phone bill each month. And probably my gas bill.

They can literally (and I use the term literally) talk to someone on the phone at 10:15am, end it with “I love you, too”, forget something, redial at 10:18am, and end this call with another “I love you, too”. And this goes on all day. Every. Day.

No, that’s not right. There’s one chick here who closes with “I love you more.” And yes, sometimes repeats it in the inevitable volley of mores.

Dear God, people. Is this necessary? Do you know how ridiculous this sounds? No, of course you don’t.

Leave a Comment » | Not Brief Enough Encounters, The Freaks | Permalink
Posted by Sunny Disposition

Green Acres Employee Survey Process

May 6, 2009
  1. Put up posters about a company-wide migration to common system platforms
  2. Wait a month or two
  3. Create an online survey to ask employees about awareness of said initiative that is now scheduled to happen in one week
  4. Instruct VPs to send out an email requesting participation in awareness survey
  5. Send out said email
  6. Field questions and realize that the entire company has no idea about any of this
  7. Quickly have more posters printed and hung in every department
  8. Instruct VPs to send out second email requesting participation in awareness survey
  9. Send out said email
  10. Field more questions and realize that nobody is aware of any (not the old, not the new) posters
  11. Deploy on time anyway

Leave a Comment » | Management? | Permalink
Posted by Sunny Disposition

Green Acres Covered in Snot

April 21, 2009

Green Acres is full of lifers and union people. There are an allotted bajillion personal, sick, and vacation days each year for every single being in the building.

Yet, there are inevitably people who show up to work sick as dogs. Not just for one day, like they were worse the day before and think themselves just too important to miss a day, but for days at a time.

Coughing, sneezing, blowing, spitting, slurping, sniffing, speaking to you, entering your cube, handing you things, touching things.

When did life become rocket science?

Leave a Comment » | The Freaks | Permalink
Posted by Sunny Disposition

Happy Cubicle?

April 18, 2009

Have you ever been moved? Not like a department move, but just you. Maybe for a lighting or noise issue, maybe for a problem neighbor issue, or maybe you just thought the grass was greener over the cubicle wall.

Thing is though, that there is no happy cubicle. It’s a paradox. For example, I recently moved (not for this reason) from one cubicle with a radio-playing neighbor (something I think there should be office laws against) to another with a new radio-playing neighbor. I have a fan, which helps but makes me need a sweater in August.

Anyway, back to the cubicle-moving experience itself. Here’s my gripe: I can’t count the number of times people have stopped by to ask me how I like my new cube. Nice, on the one hand, I suppose, but relentlessly annoying on the other.

It’s a freekin’ cubicle, not a new house. It’s the same design, the same gray carpeted cubicle walls, the same gray steel overhead cabinet, the same fluorescent lights, the same chair, the same phone, the same, same, same and more of the same.

It makes Sunny D want to scream, “I love it, you moron. I’ve never been happier. It’s green and blue and sounds like the ocean at night and smells like freshly mowed grass and I’m going to plant a garden in the corner and I’m going to bring my butterfly net…….to capture you and lock you in the fucking closet for being so daft.”

But thanks for asking, I mean it. Now get the hell away from me before I catch whatever it is that you have.

1 Comment | There Goes the Neighborhood | Permalink
Posted by Sunny Disposition

Feet on the Handles

March 30, 2009

I just heard a woman discussing bad bathroom behavior with her friend. Apparently, she was up in arms specifically over people who use their feet to flush the toilet.

Seriously? Is this bad? Because I’ve done it for years.

Any time I can NOT touch something in a public bathroom is great by me, but I especially avoid things touched by people between their use of the toilet and their use of the sink, soap or sterilizing gel.

She said, “People actually put their feet on the handles! It’s so gross.” All I could think was that a foot from the ground was less gross than the alternative, but now I admit I’m a little worried about being on the same list as the ill-mannered. Sunny D does take pride in her considerate ways, after all. But if the solution is to touch one of those handles, this gal will just have to be bad.

Leave a Comment » | Bathroom Breaks | Permalink
Posted by Sunny Disposition

It’s Like Being a Weatherman

March 17, 2009

Secretary: Why is the printer giving me this message all the time about mismatched paper size?

Printer Repairman from IT: Because it thinks it’s trying to print a mismatched paper size (followed by a lengthy nonsensical explanation about the mind of a printer).

After a few minutes of spewing more IT printer mumbo-jumbo but never really looking AT anything, Printer Repairman from IT takes advantage of Secretary’s spinning head and bolts for the door: Feel free to call me if it acts up again. I’m always around and happy to help.

Leave a Comment » | Boys in the Office | Permalink
Posted by Sunny Disposition

The Gate to Green Acres

March 13, 2009

Green Acres is so NOT the place for me.

How It Should Work
You simply wave your badge at the machine and the chain gate opens. You proceed through gate. If someone ahead of you does this, the door stays open long enough for ohhh, about 10 cars to get through. Note: There is security into the building requiring you to scan your card again at the office door, so it’s not as if a terrorist could slide through the gate and have willy-nilly access to the office.

How It Actually Works
First person waves their badge, gate opens, and they proceed. Second person stops at open gate, waits for gate to completely close again, waves badge, gate opens, and they proceed. Third person stops at gate, waits for gate to completely close again, waves badge, gate opens, and they proceed. Fourth person….well, you get it.

Is each person in line really that stupid? Is there a rulebook mandating this as proper procedure? Or is it just mindless mimicking?

I don’t know, but it drives Sunny D almost as mad as women who pick the stall right next to you in the bathroom when no others are occupied.

Leave a Comment » | Not Brief Enough Encounters | Permalink
Posted by Sunny Disposition

Taping

February 25, 2009

What the hell is she taping? One of my neighbors has been tearing off little pieces of tape for over an hour now. Shuffling papers after each slice of the tape dispenser, too, indicating that there is a reason for her insanity.

This is an office. It’s 2009, for God’s sake. What the fuck needs taping nowadays?

Is she building a little fort out of printer paper and tape? Is she building a paper and tape ball? Is she running a distribution center?

I mean, really. What could it be? If I liked her, I’d ask her, but I don’t, so I can’t. She’s a loud personal call talker and radio listener, just to mention two of her endless neighbor faults. (Speaking of which, I can’t hear her radio today, because the heat is blowing louder than usual through the vents. Never mind that it’s the warmest day of the winter.)

An hour later: She still won’t stop fucking taping shit. I’ve opened the supply cabinet and hoarded all the rolls of tape. She has to run out soon, right?

An hour and fifteen later: I’m leaving.

Leave a Comment » | Not Brief Enough Encounters, The Freaks | Permalink
Posted by Sunny Disposition

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.